Thomas Arthur Schaefer
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Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Every Thing That You Do And See Which Is Feel And Look Is Alright

Lost...

I have no desire to do anything today... I've fallen into a state of complete and utter loss... lack of motivation... no faith in myself. I definitely don't want to be at my job... I want to walk away from it. I don't even want to be at home with my work. I woke early fixed a cup of coffee and questioned it all. I sat in the car before igniting the engine and questioned it all. As I sat in traffic I questioned it all.
I feel like I've become too informal with myself... too objectionable and unwelcome in my own thoughts. I need to work... need to paint. I need a project, but don't have the time. I feel like a leper when I'm with myself. I'm very tired with myself... this is not desirable. Need to work... need to paint... need to create something... need to siphon this feeling into something I can look at — reflect upon. I can not continue to internalize this.

Time is getting quiet... so where is my mind.

It's the job... It is the 9 to 5 that is destroying me a little everyday. It's breaking me... fragmenting me. I'm tired of giving myself to people and causes I have no control over. Give Give Give... More More More... Pride Pride Pride... Team Team Team... Sucking... Sucking. It's all built to destroy people... turn you into a slave of their own lifestyle, but it's not your lifestyle... it's your job — plain and simple, nothing more. Get confortable because you've fallen into a well and nobody will be rescueing you untill it's to late. Expectations.... Expectations. I feel sick... I feel sicker every day I force myself into these situations. Time to save yourself.

Time... I want it to be mine to spend with friends and loved ones — not caught up in false salutations with people I'd normally never associate with. Smile and Nod.... never disagree. Handshake and thank you.... never protest. Every morning I wake up and lie to myself... I lie to the people I care about. This is no life... this is a gambit. I might be good at playing it, but I'd rather put my quarter in another pinball machine. I can only get away with tilting this machine for so long before my game is over.

I'm hurting people.... I'm hurting myself.

I need a haircut...

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